Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Answer To All Of My Prayers?

There is much talk these days of how difficult it is to meet someone - romantically speaking - in this, the modern era. Indeed I have done a lot of such shitetalking myself after a few drinks. It is hard (I'm still single) and though theoretically teh internehts makes even dating easy, it hasn't done much for me, I tell you. The 'net may be changing the game elsewhere but online dating still has quite a stigma attached to it in Ireland. The accepted method for acquiring a future life partner here is to (a) meet them through a friend (an excellent option as this can often mean that they come with a recommendation and/or a returns policy) or (b) to take your chances in the last chance saloon of the pub and hope that the complete stranger you've brought home will not look like the Elephant Man/your boss/his sister once you take your beer goggles off. Online dating is (somewhat bizarrely, when you consider the risks associated with option (b) above) thought to be unsafe; dating websites are presumed to be populated by psychopathically lonely losers and blind dates are considered a form of social suicide. So what are modern Irish singletons who have run out of patience with these paltry options to do? Why - return to those hallowed times! When men were men and women wore shoulder-pads. When love was a slow-dance, all left feet and hard-ons. To quote Mr. Calvin Harris, it was acceptable in the eightees.

I was shuffling and shuftying along through the city this morning when I noticed a new horror nested on the corner of Nassau St. and Kildare St. The unattractive sign outside promises pessimistically safe times: No Drugs, No Drunks, No Problems. But for the singleton who's tired of flailing around pathetically to dance tunes, trying in vain to impress the object of their tequila-fulled affections with pop-n-lock(ed) robot dancing, the sign also offers a glimmer of hope. For the club is GR80s (geddit?) and their USP* is their slow sets.

I nearly puked. I cannot imagine anything worse than revisiting the slow set horrors of my teenage years (which were in the 90s, incidentally, but we were a little behind the times. Besides, GR90s just doesn't have the same zing! to it). The way the dancefloor cleared as soon as the first bars of a Mariah Carey/Whitney Houston/Bryan Fucking Adams song kicked in, except for one drunken lunatic who'd been dancing alone and had simply not noticed. The way the floor gradually filled with groping couples, usually comprised of your friends and boys they knew you fancied. The way the drunken lunatic would ricochet off them until he was eventually expelled from the floor, at which point he'd lurch in your direction, go straight for your tits and then try to ask you to dance but be unable to pronounce "want", "to" or "dance". The way your sober, well-meaning and well-mannered but unattractive friend would step in to save you - resulting in an awkward once-around-the-floor where you try to hold him at arms' length to avoid his erection before feigning thirst and/or incontinence and rushing off to the bar and/or bathroom. It took me years of hard work and costly drugs to repair the damage that school discos and nightclub slow sets did to my teenage self-confidence. I suspect that one night in GR80s would see all of my efforts undone. I shall be avoiding that one like the plague.

*Unique Selling Point - apparently it's a dating thing?

15 comments:

Primal Sneeze said...

Ah yes. The good old erection selection. I always wondered when DJs stopped playing it.

nuttycow said...

*shudder* please. stop. I'll have nightmares.

redwinegums said...

Hate dancing in Clubs. Can't really dance there at all. Music is generally crap. No space on the floor and people are too drunk.

Slow set? Slow feel you up more like.

Curly K said...

God, I hated the erection section; the sheer torment of standing pasted to the wall trying not to look like the only woman not being asked out to dance or the feckin dash to join the million others in the ladies - please tell me they are not trying to inflict them on us again.

The indignity of having to stand again, where once I stood almost twenty years ago, only this time as a barren 35 year old spinster - cannot imagine how soul destroying that would be and betcha they'd be playing that fucking Bryan Adams song that haunted the best years of my life LOL!!!

conortje said...

hehe ahh the memories - oh you know you want to give it a go again - admit it :-)

Rosie said...

[bites tongue in order not to offend Primal with her answer]

RWG, i'm not sure if that's a threat or an offer.

Nutty & Curly - we're singing off the same hymn sheet, i see. though i estimate that it would only take me about 6 vodkas and 3 jaegerbombs before i start thinking it "might be fun"...

Conor, see above.

OneForTheRoad said...

They still have slow sets in Club Diva you know..

redwinegums said...

*Re-reads comment. Re-reads again.* Oh dear...

It was neither. It was meant to be a comment on the erection set and my disdain for the motivation of guys who do it. Not a threat.

And were I to request the honour and privilege of the pleasure of dancing with you I would not do so in such an uncouth manner.

My humblest apologies

Terence McDanger said...

Oh Jesus, the slow sets. What a buttock clenchingly embarrassing and awful ordeal every Saturday night of my self-conscious adolescence.

Funny looking back though.

Jesus, the memories, eh? Mostly painful. Nobody ever asked me to dance, and I have a lovely pair of tits so I do.

ae85 said...

Could be worse y'know. They could somehow bring back some sort of Irish college céilí-type format, with all the girls on once side, all the boys on the other, everyone standing awkwardly and waiting for someone to make the first move. Then all the boys swarming over to ask the girl they've been eyeing up all night and getting beaten to it by the taller, handsomer GAA playing stud. And THEN you have the erection selection.

Rosie said...

good to know where you picked up those moves, OneFor...

RWG, i am but ripping the piss. dancing with me is not an honour, a privilege nor a pleasure - it is an embarrassment. ask the New Daddy.

or OneFor.

tits, Terence? i'm envious.

ae85, the worst thing about the céilí was the bang of sweat, mixed with lynx, white musk perfume and sheer desperation.

good times.

Kath Lockett said...

I feel kind of awful to be laughing my arse off at your erection selection reminiscences. Here Down Under we tended to avoid that kind of agony by instead going for a drunken hybrid of a mosh and group hokey pokey - that way everyone got a quick grope and usually a nice slippery slide on the vomit that was already slicked on the floor boards....

Fun times....

Anonymous said...

You'll be happy to know that Gr80s at the new Club Nassau opened last Friday. It'll be open Fri/Sat every weekend....

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