Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Caught By Defuzz

I was blessedly ronnie-free until relatively recently. I spent ten years on Dianette as a result of my having polystyrene ovaries and so never had to worry about facial hair, so bursting was I with ingested womanly hormones. I was fat, mental and darkly depressed, sure, but sublimely smooth of skin.

Yes, until relatively recently. Some three years ago I began to wonder if my chubby crackedness could be blamed on the meds rather than my gen for chocolate and high drama, so I sought alternative treatment. In the hope that I might some day be able to have babies, and the like. Though I haven't dropped any sprogs just yet, I now sport the merest hint of a mustache and a pair of peachy soft sideburns. I'm told you wouldn't notice them, but then he also tells me that I look beautiful in the morning, when I know fucking well that I look like Wurzel Gummidge after a bottle of cooking rum when I wake.

It's been bugging me, though, and now that I'm shaving my legs and waxing my ladygarden in an effort to appear kempt and tempt his affections, I decided it might be time to tackle the 'tache. Depliation seemed wiser than epilation what with my delicate skin, so I came home this evening and slathered my mush in Boots' finest no-more-mo' cream. Timed the four minutes carefully, washed it off to reveal slightly reddened skin and luxurious swathes of sideburn still stubbornly clinging to my rosie cheeks.

Rinse, I did. And repeated. Four minutes later I washed it off again, this time revealing the makings of a rash. Not all over, just where the 'tache and sideys had been. A nice dead giveaway. With a bit of luck the makeup I put on to try to hide it in the morning will cake to the cankers and my glamorous new look will be complete.

It ain't easy, being this sexy.

17 comments:

oyebilly said...

Nothing to do with the post, but I did receive the tape and I've been listening to it. Very good.

Might do one myself...

oyebilly said...

But it reminds me... I do need to have a shave, it's got all prickly. Ugh.

Annie A said...

Don't put make-up on top of the rash, you'll make it worse.

I snip my moustache off with scissors. Sometimes I see it in a certain light though and it looks terrible. One day I will get light-saber therapy or whatever it's called and also get my teeth whitened. POW.

Tatty Franey said...

always read you but think this is my first comment... i'm half spanish and have an almost frieda kahlo-ish mo'. the best thing is to wax it. i do my own, but i've been doing it since i was 13 or so. i recommend you get it done by a professional. it doesn't hurt and it doesn't go red at all! that "blow" place in town (they have several salons) are quite good!

Conan Drumm said...

I was wondering about the subtext in that post about Mr Jaffa De Cake.

The only thing I know about the hair thing is the more you rid yourself of it the stronger, and darker, it comes back.

MJ said...

bleach. far less ouch.

Rosie said...

i'm glad you liked the tape, Billy. you should grow a beard though, i like beards. on gents.

you ain't got no mo', Anniekins. else you'd have left me with 'tache rash.

been there and done that, Tatty. left me looking like i'd been drinking jam from the jar. i have very delicate skin.

oh no, Conan, that post was on muff, not lip fluff. eek.

been there and done that too, MJ. turns out that a snowy white 'tache is no more fetching than a mousey brown one.

anyway, my face is back to its former radiance after a good night's kip. panic over.

the dublinista said...

If you cant get a wash set and blowdry on your pubic hair, then its not long enough.

The Hangar Queen said...

Laser,laser,laser and again laser.

Trust me on this.

Anonymous said...

ginger and now bearded....

something tells me, milk baths are not going to cure this

Rosie said...

perhaps a french roll, Dublinista, or a nice side parting?

milk baths cure nothing but insecurity, Anon.

Holemaster said...

"ladygarden" Hah.

Man Forest?

Nina said...

you gotta love being a lady. since I'm between jobs and have time on my hands I'm experimenting with maintaining the daily routine of shaving, moisturizing, peeling off (not necesserily in that order)etc.so far I consider it the most frustrating part of the day.

Rua said...

Started reading this, then decided I don't want to know. Man fur on a woman? Thats disgusting

Rosie said...

life's too short to make that a daily routine, Nina. leave the shaving for a week, you get a much more satisfying yield.

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