Tuesday, November 18, 2008

It's Not Off The Ground I Licked It

It was Thursday evening. Jelly, I thought. I haven't had jelly in years. I rooted around at the back of the cupboard and found two packets of raspberry jelly. That'll do. And fruit. All I could find was pineapple, and tinned pineapple at that. Does raspberry go with pineapple? Probably not.

I wanted a good set, so I put both packets in. Remembering how frustrating it was as a child when the lumps refused to dissolve, I took the kitchen scissors to the slippery blocks and cut them into slimy little nubbles before adding the boiling water. Andrew used to eat bars of jelly as a kid, instead of chocolate. I thought he was disgusting. I popped a square of it into my mouth. It was disgusting.

I chopped the pineapple rings into raggedy chunks and spooned them into the warm jelly. They smelled of tin, not coconut, like fresh pineapple does. I don't like fresh coconut much, but fresh pineapple smells like furze and tastes like sunshine. Tinned pineapple smells sad, and tastes a little bit lonely.

They floated. I hadn't expected that, and for some reason I found it horribly disappointing. Perverse, really, as floaters are generally more exciting than foodstuffs which sink. I think it was at that point that I realised I wouldn't be able to eat it until the morning, and that I didn't really want to eat it anyway. How depressing.

It was a ridiculous episode, and alarmingly typical. I don't know where I get these notions or why I feel a compulsion to tell you about them.

I had a bowl of jelly for afters in Nana's on Sunday evening. Somewhere along our conversational meander she mentioned that she'd had a cup of Oxo the evening before. I asked her if she meant Bovril (which is also mankygank) but no, she meant Oxo. She dissolved cubes of beef stock in hot water and drank it. "Funny" she said, "I didn't enjoy it". I'm not fucking surprised. We're not that different, my nana and I.

23 comments:

JL Pagano said...

As God is my witness I will find an excuse to use the word "nubbles" in conversation as soon as possible.

red said...

i'm a bit funny about food too...i feel a post coming on...

oyebilly said...

I had Angel Delight the other day, that was good. Butterscotch flavour.

backpedalbrakes said...

Did you know that pineapple pickers have no fingerprints? There's some enzyme in pineapple that wears them down. And tastebuds. Which is probably why it tastes a bit lonely.

Radge said...

That's mad about the fingerprints. Pineapple will be like heroin to the itchy-fingered in Mountjoy.

Rosie, make sure you don't leave the scissors in the fridge.

LV said...

Your Nana sounds like so much fun. Really made me giggle.

Annie A said...

ANGEL DELIGHT

ianm said...

Tinned pineapple tastes lonely? You're right, you know. I hadn't realised that before.

C'est La Craic said...

Funny, I've always felt that tinned peas tasted of frustration and bitter disappointment.

PaulB said...

My missus does that horrible oxo thing as well. She got it from her mum who is originally from Dublin. I just assumed t'was an Irish thing?

I made her a cup of gravy just to be ironic but she had a bloody good go at that as well. Sickos.

Rua said...

If I was a granny I'd be doing so much heroin....

Rosie said...

it's apparently a real word and all, JL.

i'm not so much funny about food as just plain greedy, Red.

i love angel delight. Annie appears to second that motion. i'd forgotten it even existed and now i won't rest until i have some.

bromelain. i looked it up. i also found a blog dedicated to pineapples, but that's really sad and lonely.

tinned peas are also mankygank. we grew peas in our garden as kids. we used to graze on them, my brother and i, while the dog ate the raspberries straight from the cane.

perhaps it is an irish thing, Paul. a hangover from the famine? like that joke about why we eat cereal at bedtime - in case we should starve in our sleep.

i hope you've a good pension plan, Rua.

Andrew said...

Angel Delight? Annie, you're an evil fucking genius! They do still make it, right?
I reckon it cures all ills and I, for one, intend on having some this evening.

Conan Drumm said...

Hey, all you Angel Delighters... LIDL do an ersatz Angel Delight in a few flavours including the best, which is Butterscotch. It's nom-nom-nom-tastic!

Extra good luck with the contract chat today, Rosie.

Ellie said...

I, for some inexplicable reason, came home from work last night and tied my cupboards and I found a sachet of Jelly. I will so be making it tonight. Sans pineapple though.

Anonymous said...

Oxo was given out free as a hot drink for schoolkids in the 1950's. It was disgusting.

Conan Drumm said...

...story?

Rosie said...

story:

there was no butterscotch flavour in tesco, so we made utter pigs of ourselves on the banana one instead (with wispa grated over the top)

they did not reach a decision on my contract yesterday, so have postponed it until december 17th. on a scale of one to pissed off and demotivated, i am very.

the vet is to call around 3pm about Alpha. apparently Lila has spent the morning pining for her, crying pitifully in the kitchen and rifling through the contents of my sister's handbag, in case she might be hiding a slobbery golden retriever in there amongst the snotty tissues.

Conan Drumm said...

Butterscotch: Hie thee to LIDL look for the 'Toute Suite' product.

Contract: Fuckers, a week before Christmas!

The Blonde: paws crossed for her.

Rosie said...

Charlotte the Concerned Vet just called to say that the Blonde's alright.

sighs of relief all round.

Jayne said...

Bugger. Now I want Angel Delight. And jelly. And someone to make it for me 'cause I'm feeling ill and pathetic. Why can't my cats go shopping and bring me soft sugary treats?

Glad The Blonde's OK. Is she on antibiotics and painkillers? Can I have some?

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