Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Reader's Choice #7

Cock Shaped Zogabongs

For John, who doesn't blog any more, but wrote this and made me cry into my cornflakes. Damn him.

Over glasses of wine in Toast, we compare non vital statistics. Seven this year! one announces, and five hens. The SWF seems a little put out that she's had two hens and no weddings. I am appalled. I've been to two weddings... ever (chronicled here for your convenience - #1 and #2 - and I make the same awful "without a hitch" pun in both posts). I have never been to a hen. I am, I think, the champions.

Hen parties are great fun, I'm told. A bit tacky, sure, but after a few drinks you get into it. There are all kinds of things I get "into" after a few drinks; I would be well advised not to add hen parties to the already embarrassing list. I'm not sure just what it is I find so abhorrent about the idea. The costumes? I am no fashionista but I am allergic to Claire's Accessories; they bring me out in a rash. Cock-shaped zogabongs flatter no-one, least of all those with a head of curly hair that looks for all the world like a crown of badly trimmed pubes. A look I happen to be totally rocking at the moment. "Humorous" matching t-shirts are no better - distended photos of the bride-to-be stretched across her best mates' diddies don't flatter anyone either, and there's always one lumpy bumpy budgie who does not look glowing in lycra. Me.

I lie, though. I was once at a hen, of sorts. A quiet dinner affair with my mother, sister, aunts and I playing the part of the the in-laws. In an effort to imbue the occasion with a little zany bachelorette fun, the bride-to-be's sister had had some table mats printed with photos of the hen as a chick. But oh my. This leggy, beautiful blonde had not always been the belle, it seemed. She was once quite the proverbial duckling. My sister and I exchanged horrified sideways glances, a silent and secret pact never to betray one another's egos so. The bride-to-be thought the photos were hilarious. I admired her strength of character and sense of humour. And died a little inside.

As for the nuptials themselves, the "afters" of a wedding, I am assured, don't count. It's just as well. I was invited to an afters once, in a castle. I turned up midway through the speeches, awkward and inappropriately dressed. I had been invited as the bride's cousin's date (having previously dated another of her cousins) and so the groom introduced me to his family as Jezebel the Harlot. Not big on the Old Testament, they amiably called me Jess for the night. I, of course, lived up to my moniker and ended up crashing in the priest's room with the cameraman. One hates to disappoint.

And yet my reasons for hating hen parties are nothing if not disappointing. As with most of the things in life I profess to dislike, my disdain for hen parties is borne of nothing more than unattractive insecurity. I worry that I lack the requisite oestrogen to pull a hen night of my own out of the bag. I worry that I don't have enough female friends. Then I realise that I do, and begin to worry that they're all prettier than me. Which is nonsense, because as you all know, I'm a total fucking ride. I must be, if the company I keep is anything to go by.

In fact, I'm amazed that someone hasn't tried to marry me already.

I have warned my mother that should I ever dupe some dope into tying my knot, it will be done on the sly. There will be no pomp or circumstance, no photographer or cake. She pronounced herself disappointed, unconvincingly so. She knows I'm full of shit. I bluff and bluster about caring not a jot for marriage, but my raging insecurity will no doubt some day be won over by the idea of a sworn statement.

And I may relent on the cake bit.


Holemaster said...

No Cake? forget it.

Annie A said...

I hate hen parties, too. I went to one once at "TGI Fridays". Nightmare. And they didn't even make me dress up.

It's stupid to have a "girls only" night anyway, it dates back to the day when girls only had friends that were girls. If there even was such a day. When I get married I will have a send-off with all my closest friends, male and female.

WHEN I get married. WHEN!

Anyway, I miss you. <3

Radge said...

Is it wrong that the smiley on the end of that last comment made me a little bit....


....never mind.

backpedalbrakes said...

I don't think I'd manage a hen party proper either. The best one I've been to was one the bride refused to call a hen. No phallic props, no ridiculous disco bars, no embarrassing photos. It was lovely. Tottering in front of cars across main street, Naas, in flashing bunny ears was not.

Conan Drumm said...

So, when's the big day? :)

Rua said...

"ended up crashing in the priest's room with the cameraman"

You are the female version of everything I once was *sob*

(meekly) Respect.

Rosie said...

it would have to be this cake.

i miss you too, a chroí. and if we're still spinsters at 40, let's marry one another.

very wrong, Radge. it's a loveheart. because Annie loves me.

Naas! the glamour!

Tuesday, Conan.

there's time for you yet, Rua. i'm only hitting my stride.

Spudley said...

I heard of a hen recently in Clonakilty where the bridesmaid was friendly with the local Gards. The bridesmaid convinced a waiter to complain that the unwitting bride hadn't paid the bill, and initiated an argument, after which the waiter called the Gards. Without question the Gards, who'd obviously been previously tipped off by said devious bitch of bridemaid, carted the hen off in the paddywagon for an hour or so, only to deposit her back at the pub where the party was in full swing!!! Brilliant idea, but the bridesmaid must be one seriously untrustworthy excuse for a friend...

Holemaster said...

Tame, compared to the jacuzzi shit incident, followed by naked knocking on every door at a wedding in Italy this year.

Annie A said...

I like to justify leaving emoticons on other people's blogs by writing really, really carefully on my own blog.

Just like I like to justify reading Heat magazine by reminding myself that I once read Shakespeare for something other than school.

Radge said...

My bad, just that it's far too long since I've had a smiley. Eight weeks, in fact.

Ian said...

I've never been to a stag thank christ. Which probably says something about the inability of my male aquantences to hold down a relationship with a lady long enough to con her into going in for the long haul.

And I loath weddings. So much so in fact that the last one I was invited to, my cousin's, and of all my relations I probably get on with her the best, I crashed and wrote off the car I was driving down in. Cue a trip to the hospital and my missing of the nuptuals, dinner, afters, the whole affair. Though from hearing what happened there it seems the only thing missing was Rodney Dangerfield to kick off the dancing by loudly exclaiming "Hey everybody, we're all getting laid."

Now I didn't set out to skip the wedding through rear-ending some poles. But on a sub-concious level, it's hard to know.

conortje said...

The one I was on was really lovely I promise :-)

Now, could I interest you in a compilation CD at all???

Sarah Gostrangely said...

I would LOVE to go to a hen party. All that oestrogen flying about, chasing men in skirts and what have you.

The fact I'm not the marrying kind shouldn't stand in the way.

Get married Rosie, give me a day with a hat and a bucket of booze.

Rosie said...

with friends like that, Spudley...

you sound like an absolute delight, Holemaster.

Radge, you're the third man in as many days to allude to fantasies involving me and Ms. Atkins. Anniekins, we could totally work this.

i get that crash-the-car inclination a lot. i pretend not to though, because my da's new car is ridey and i like being allowed to drive it. so don't tell him.

i do, however, flirt just that little bit more with the traffic on days where i have to go to the dentist.

Conor - see overexcited email. because truly, the way to my heart is through carefully chosen songs.

Sarah, i promise that next time you're back in dublin i shall take you out for a bucket of booze, and we shall wear hats.

Holemaster said...

"you sound like an absolute delight, Holemaster"

For that to have been me, I would have to be a total and utter moron and savage which thankfully I am not.

opop said...

情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 言情小說, 愛情小說, 色情A片, 情色論壇, 色情影片, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊美女, 視訊交友, ut聊天室, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, a片下載, av片, A漫, av dvd, av成人網, 聊天室, 成人論壇, 本土自拍, 自拍, A片, 愛情公寓, 情色, 舊情人, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 情色交友, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊, 情色電影, aio交友愛情館, 色情a片, 一夜情, 辣妹視訊, 視訊聊天室, 免費視訊聊天, 免費視訊, 視訊, 視訊美女, 美女視訊, 視訊交友, 視訊聊天, 免費視訊聊天室, 情人視訊網, 影音視訊聊天室, 視訊交友90739, 成人影片, 成人交友,

免費A片, 本土自拍, AV女優, 美女視訊, 情色交友, 免費AV, 色情網站, 辣妹視訊, 美女交友, 色情影片, 成人影片, 成人網站, A片,H漫, 18成人, 成人圖片, 成人漫畫, 情色網, 日本A片, 免費A片下載, 性愛, 成人交友, 嘟嘟成人網, 成人電影, 成人, 成人貼圖, 成人小說, 成人文章, 成人圖片區, 免費成人影片, 成人遊戲, 微風成人, 愛情公寓, 情色, 情色貼圖, 情色文學, 做愛, 色情聊天室, 色情小說, 一葉情貼圖片區, 情色小說, 色情, 寄情築園小遊戲, 色情遊戲, 情色視訊,

uhfdf said...

做愛的漫畫圖片, 情色電影分享區, 做愛ㄉ影片, 丁字褲美女寫真, 色美眉, 自拍俱樂部首頁, 日本偷自拍圖片, 色情做愛影片, 情色貼圖區, 八國聯軍情色網, 免費線上a片, 淫蕩女孩自拍, 美國a片, 都都成人站, 色情自拍, 本土自拍照片, 熊貓貼圖區, 色情影片, 5278影片網, 脫星寫真圖片, 粉喵聊天室, 金瓶梅18, sex888影片分享區, 1007視訊, 雙贏論壇, 爆爆爽a片免費看, 天堂私服論壇, 情色電影下載, 成人短片, 麗的線上情色小遊戲, 情色動畫免費下載, 日本女優, 小說論壇, 777成人區, showlive影音聊天網, 聊天室尋夢園, 義大利女星寫真集, 韓國a片, 熟女人妻援交, 0204成人, 性感內衣模特兒, 影片, 情色卡通, 85cc免費影城85cc, 本土自拍照片, 成人漫畫區, 18禁, 情人節阿性,

aaaa片, 免費聊天, 咆哮小老鼠影片分享區, 金瓶梅影片, av女優王國, 78論壇, 女同聊天室, 熟女貼圖, 1069壞朋友論壇gay, 淫蕩少女總部, 日本情色派, 平水相逢, 黑澀會美眉無名, 網路小說免費看, 999東洋成人, 免費視訊聊天, 情色電影分享區, 9k躺伯虎聊天室, 傑克論壇, 日本女星杉本彩寫真, 自拍電影免費下載, a片論壇, 情色短片試看, 素人自拍寫真, 免費成人影音, 彩虹自拍, 小魔女貼影片, 自拍裸體寫真, 禿頭俱樂部, 環球av影音城, 學生色情聊天室, 視訊美女, 辣妹情色圖, 性感卡通美女圖片, 影音, 情色照片 做愛, hilive tv , 忘年之交聊天室, 制服美女, 性感辣妹, ut 女同聊天室, 淫蕩自拍, 處女貼圖貼片區, 聊天ukiss tw, 亞亞成人館, 777成人, 秋瓷炫裸體寫真, 淫蕩天使貼圖, 十八禁成人影音, 禁地論壇, 洪爺淫蕩自拍, 秘書自拍圖片,