Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Ah Loan

Glasgow opened with a scene straight out of Trainspotting. On the train at that, all pish, chips and vinegar. Athlone opened, appropriately, in a garage. Not the usual piss and a Kit-Kat en route to Galway garage, but a suburban shop with petrol pumps and Polish counter staff. Ho, and indeed, hum. The shape of things to come?

The girls browsed the shelves, making noise about white wine spritzers and Pringles. Except for Strawberry Shortcake, who snotted herself on a yellow Caution! sign in her haste for the bathroom.

The shape of things to come.

Me? I was eyeing up the Bucky. Throwing it the kind of filthy, lustful looks you reserve for your lover after too much wine. Fingering the cans of Bulmers. I couldn't possibly. I was feeling insecure, you see. My hostess noticed me dithering like a dipso at a disco and pointed out that I was in Athlone, and that she was toting a six pack of Ritz. Bucky and Bulmers it is.

Two hours later agus mise ar mo shó, with Strawberry doing her best to get me on my ear. Maybe it's three hours later. We're in Karma, and it feels like we're in 1996.

I stood around looking cool, thinking cool, thinking I am too cool, for this school. Reality begged to differ. I may have looked every inch the aloof city sophistikitty in my head, but to him I looked approachable, and approach he did. You know him. The small, baldy, sweaty one with his creepy little hands deep in his sticky little pockets, rooting at his testicles. The one you hope isn't looking at you. But he was looking at me, and he fancied his chances. "Are you from Ah Loan yourself?" he barked at my nipples. No, I said. Dublin. "I was going to go outside for a bit of a walk" he said, licking his chapped lips. "I was thinking you'd want to come with me, like". Tempting? No. He broke eye contact then and resumed staring at my tits. "The wife's brother's missus is from Dublin" he mused, thoughtfully. "She's alright".


C'est La Craic said...

Love the bit with caution sign. If life's going to be a bitch, then she might as well have a sense of irony.

Which side of the Shannon was it?

stereotyping said...

You'd think he was the singularly most unpleasant and creepy guy this side of Mullingar, but you just know the country is crawling (slithering?) with them.


Glad I'm a guy and don't have to deal with that.

Radge said...

He's a keeper.

emordino said...

> Not the usual piss and a Kit-Kat en route to Galway garage

A friend of mine is fond of telling his former housemate, an Athlone lass, that the town has been nothing but a toilet to him for the past six years. It's much more hilarious than it should be.

Conan Drumm said...

Mother Ireland's rearing them yet! When they see a sophistikitty such as yourself they get a bit spittley and slimy about the dewlaps. Their wives, incidentally, are glad to be shut of them for the evening. Can you blame them?

Rosie said...

i didn't know Athlone straddled it, la Craic.

it's not all bad, ST. i get to write funny posts about them afterwards.

ick, Radge. you keep him.

it was your recounting that to me that prompted that line, EM. i'd have credited you but i couldn't remember who it was had tattled that tale.

dewlaps. shudder.

C'est La Craic said...

'straddled' now that's far raunchy a word to use when talking about Athlone.

Gardenhead said...

Stop slagging my cousin!

Anonymous said...

If you were in Karma, you were on the Westmeath side of the Shannon as opposed to the Roscommon side.

Rosie said...

good to know?

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