I got an interesting email this morning from a TV production company.
Fancy taking an all-expenses paid once-in-a-lifetime road trip across the Australian outback in search of love? Sounds smashing! Where do I sign? Interested in going on a wild road trip and meeting some hot Aussie hunks? I said yes! Four lucky ladies will be chosen to head down under to embark on a journey of a lifetime. Four? Fuck that. The other three had better be ugly dullards. Not that I'm not up for a little competition, but, well, I'm not up for much competition. Their mission: To find true love. Mission Improbable; but am happy to give it a good oul try. The girls will be flown to Perth on the west coast of Australia in September and will travel by bus over a staggering 3,200 kilometres through the arid and breathtaking outback as far as the sun-drenched cosmopolitan beaches of Sydney. I like buses. I'm narcoleptic on public transport though, so the series would be full of shots of meThe Checklist:
slumped and snoring open-mouthedsleeping like a beautiful angel.
1. Can you speak fluent Irish?
Why yes, I can! it's my bread and butter, as it happens. My grammar makes children cry but my vocabulary is colourful and inventive and my accent is begged, borrowed and stolen from each of the dialects - in the interests of fair play and indecisiveness.
2. Are you single?
Very. Inexplicably, tragically so. On today of all days. *sniff*
3. Are you in a position to travel to Australia for five to six weeks?
Absolutely. And sure if they like me, they can keep me.
I love my job and I wouldn't trade it for the world but... Bollocks. Yes, I am in a position to travel to Australia for five to six weeks.
4. Are you genuinely looking for love?
Well I was hoping that it was looking for me, to be honest. It's like playing hide-and-go-seek as a kid - I'm the one that's still huddled under the coats in the wardrobe in the spare room, waiting to be found.
5. Are you aged 18 or over?
Yes, though a little more "over" than I'd like. I turn 27 soon. Eek. I hope I'm not too old. However, Aldi refused to sell me mulled wine at Christmas on account of my youthful good looks, so I could pass for 17, apparently (no, I didn't buy that line either).
I tick all the boxes... I think I might just email them back. I was never that taken with the idea of Australia until I ended up over there with Strawberry last year. It was on a whim, really, we were drunk and she got all persuasive. By the time I had sobered up I had an email confirmation from Trailfinders and an excited email from the Hurler asking me if it was true that I was coming over especially to see him because I loved him and missed him terribly (Friends Don't Let Friends Dial Drunk). I spent a month there, and it felt like a week. Ever since then I've been making vague plans to go back. I've met a few Australian men since then too and they're not as bad as you'd think.