Sunday, March 23, 2008

Fat Bottomed Girls

Like many if not most women, I'm insecure about my shape. My teenage preoccupations were with my feet and my teeth (I still tend to hide my smile when I can) but these days it's all about my size. Small breasts, a soft belly and a lardy bum. My weight is one of the few taboo subjects I have. I will occasionally joke about my fat arse and will often joke about my non-existent diddies but I find I can't speak to anyone about how I really feel about my looks without getting teary eyed. It's embarrassing that at 27 years of age I am still so insecure about it.

Twice recently I have raised it in a very matter-of-fact way with friends and I got the impression that both of them were shocked by what I said. The Jock and I were out carousing and she was telling me about a friend of hers that she wants to set me up with for a blind date. She reckoned we'd be a great match, I wasn't so sure. I was pretty confident that I'd like him, but terrified that he'd meet me and wonder why she had set him up with some fat bird. So I said as much. She looked appalled. The second instance was in a text I sent to GingerBeard; I was smarting from another little disappointment and his sympathetic "his loss" text message elicited an angry "why it's really not his loss" response from me (centering around the fact that I think I'm fat and maybe mental). He got angry with me, disgusted that I'd say such a thing about myself.

I paused in front of the mirror this morning as I dried myself after my shower. Let the towel fall and took a long look at myself. Not posed, not poised, just nude. Drank in the curves, the paler-than-pasty skin, flushed with the heat of the shower. Thought of all the lovers I've had who were less than perfect physical specimens but whom I've lusted after regardless and tried to see myself as a lover might see me.


aj@lecraic said...

You said it all in the last few words. To see yourself as someone else does is nigh on impossible and we are our own worst critics. We men are just as insecure about how we look as well but (thankfully) we aren't bombarded in the same way by the "beauty and fashion" industry as women are.

AJ said...

"Like many if not most women, I'm insecure about my shape"
Yah... and ? Female=Body Conscious. Big Whoop! You're a girl.

I don't know if you actually have a fat arse or not but "Fat bottomed girls make the rockin world go round" ya know.
Ya think J LO is famous for her amazing acting ability or superb singing voice ?

I know this won't change how you see yourself, but its worth shot, right ?

Annie said...

99% of women suffer from body dysmorphia to a greater or lesser degree.

That's a statistic that I just made up, but it feels true. The trick is to not let it get in your way or mess with your head too much...

AJ said...

"I think I ..maybe mental".

Thinking that you might be mental is a good sign that you're not mental. People who are actually mental never think they are.

Or at least that's what I tell myself, ahaha. A little unhinged is not the same as mental, I tell myself that too 8-}

Annie Rhiannon said...

Oh man. I have it on good authority that you are super-hot. Apparently, as a straight female, I'm personally not allowed to judge.

SueDenham said...

You are an articulate, witty, clever, attractive, independent woman. Please don't try to make yourself out to be anything else but that. How men think(?) isnt important.

gingerbeard said...

Come now Rosie, do you think i let my receding hairline or flabby beer belly get in the way of my fun?


No-one in this world is perfect, or entirely happy with how they look and thats the way it'll be for ever and ever and ever and ever.

How many times have I told you that you looked well on a night out only for you to tell me that I "shouldn't be saying such things" about you as it's apparently not the right thing to do.

It's a compliment. Nothing more, nothing less. Accept is as such and make yourself feel better.

LC said...

What Annie R said. In fact, what all of the above said.

nuttycow said...

And since when is 27 a magical age for suddenly *not* feeling shitty about yourself?

As AJ@lecraic says, you're never going to be able to figure out how other people see you but, to be honest, who cares? I think N's as mad as a box of frogs for being with me but hey ho, as long as he *is*.

Having a fat and ugly day is not a crime. I am sure there are days when you look at yourself and you say "you know what, hell, I'm hot!". And I would hope that those days outweigh the fat 'n' uglies by a vast amount. (if you'll excuse the rather unfortunate use of the words "weigh" and "vast" when talking about fat 'n' uglies!)

Rosie said...

two AJs? i'm spoilt (and confused).

LeCraic - you're probably right. also, your new site is pretty.

AJ - please, we'll have no mention of that woman here.

Annie - i've never met a woman that wasn't. how so many of 'em shrug it off and get on with it is a trick i have yet to learn.

AJ (again) - you being a nutjob does not make me feel any better about my mental health, alas. empathy's always nice though.

Annie R - kind of you to say, but don't mind LC. (as an aside: not allowed to judge? by whom?)

Sue - thank you, you're very kind. (have we met? i would be reassured to know that we had) my point here however was that what i think of my looks matters to me, rather than what men (or women) might.

Ginger - you're right, as you occasionally manage to be.

LC - ...

Nutty - 27's not the magical age? shit. i've been sold short. at the moment those days do not outweigh the fat-n-uglies, but i'm working towards striking a balance (which is what prompted the navel gazing - literally)

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