keith:
how badly do you want a boyfriend?
me:
on a scale of 1-10?
keith:
yep.
me:
27. i've been single for too long. i'm bored shitless.
keith:
i'm just blabbering, i'd be able to suggest something good if i knew you better.
I NEED TO KNOW YOU, ROSIE
what are your passions?
me:
music, writing, cooking, my dogs, my friends, sex, modern art, drinking...
keith:
a recipe for disaster, you'll end up like Courtney Love if you're not careful. look at all the bad men around you, and the culture. it's all about drinking. too much drinking. add sex to that and you'll end up going home with a new man a night, add art to that and you'll meet some artist, develop a coke addiction and end up walking the streets at 4am looking to score a hit of heroin (that's where it always progresses to) any way you can (i.e. sex).
me:
you'd make some lifestyle coach, Keeks. so far your assessment of me is basically "you're fucked".
keith:
there is light at the end of the tunnel. it's not going to be easy. but with the right diet, exercise, horoscopes and yoga, you can get through this. but remember you have to keep truckin' on, the last thing we need is you getting depressed cause then you'll fall behind at work, get onto drugs, lose your friends, and fall into the same quagmire as mentioned earlier.
me:
permission to copy and paste this advice for a blog post if i have a slow day tomorrow? because this is comedy gold.
...
at least i hope to fuck it's comedy.
Ladies and gentlemen, meet
Kiki. I haven't, but he hasn't let that (or the fact that he lives in Australia) stop him from stepping in and gallantly trying to solve all of my non-existent problems. His brand of advice is peculiar, his brand of humour occasionally offensive, he asks hard questions and is not afraid to make up his own answers. He likes horses, engineering, unsolicited emails and his girlfriend. He is not (yet) a professional Life Coach, but he's good at it, no?
