I waved at beardy weirdo Eli Mordino as I passed him on the canal yesterday, but the ignorant fucker left me hanging. I'm bad at seeing people, he said, although I did pass Sonia O' Sullivan on Baggot St. the other day. I had seen her myself on Nassau St. a few weeks back, streaking past like a whippet chasing rashers, but my excitement at my most recent celebrity sighting eclipsed all others and I jumped straight in, delighted to have the opportunity to tell someone about it*.
me:Ann Doyle, The Swan Shopping Centre, Rathmines, at lunchtime today. POW!
him:
Nigga please, I once saw Ann Doyle come out of her house in a dressing gown to check her postbox.
me (going for the kill, but missing the point of the game):
I fondled Alan Cantwell's bum.
him:
I followed Marty Morrissey around Power City one Christmas. He was buying a blender.
me:
I asked Daniel O Donnell for his autograph. He said no.
him:
I walked past Eddie Hobbs being hassled by an old lady. He was not impressed.
me:
Mundy stood on my toe.
him:
David O'Doherty was at Leeson Street Bridge once wearing very large headphones.
[really, he should lose points for that one]
me:
David Kitt was in the Horseshow House this one time.
[and before he can get a word in textways, I clinch it. It has finally dawned on me that I have the ultimate in pedestrian celebrity with their pants down stories]
me [with an already triumphant tone in my voice]:
I declined Ronan Keating's credit card. He was trying to buy a Christmas tree.
him:
That is pretty special. The rest of my stories are about Ray D'arcy's taste in scarves and everyone and their mother has met him.
Everyone bar me. Were I to meet Raymond I would like it to be late at night, in the driving rain... down a dark road, on a dangerous bend. Him in his lycra unitard and cycling helmet, me in a RangeRover with bull bars.
*Truth be told, I'd already told my colleagues in work about it but they'd looked distinctly nonplussed, and so do not count. I know what nonplussed looks like too, because that's exactly what Steve Cooney's face said when I said "How's it going, Steve? It's great to meet you!" before vigorously shaking his unproffered hand in greeting on Saturday night.
*Truth be told, I'd already told my colleagues in work about it but they'd looked distinctly nonplussed, and so do not count. I know what nonplussed looks like too, because that's exactly what Steve Cooney's face said when I said "How's it going, Steve? It's great to meet you!" before vigorously shaking his unproffered hand in greeting on Saturday night.
