I have the most passive aggressive of bad habits: a penchant for apology. I am constantly sorrying out of me. Would that I wore a cap! I could wring it remorsefully.
It's not that I've an awful lot to atone for. Well, I do, but that's beside the point. I've plenty of cause for contrition that I don't necessarily admit to. Breakages, and the like. Hearts, wind and crockery. But I dole out my sorries like sweeties for the stupidest of reasons. I do it because I want some in return. The slightest of slights sees me falling over myself, fawning over whoever has caused me to smart. It doesn't have to be much. I'm a sensitive soul. I go out on a limb for folk, sometimes all four limbs. Three points of contact? Pah. I'm poised for a fall. An idiot optimist, I am constantly dismayed when people don't always respond in kind. People are kind, I find, just not always thoughtful.
And so I apologise to them. My ego convinces me that I am leading by example, that this is a surefire way to elicit some reciprocal remorse. It's not a tactic that has served me well. I'm an insistent idiot optimist, you see, so inevitably (for peace and pity's sake) my apology will be accepted.
Which is not what I wanted at all.
So passive am I in my apologetic aggression that I work myself into right snots. For one who prides herself on her emotional intelligence, it's a spectacularly stupid habit. I can't even claim to have been clever enough to have self-diagnosed this dickheadery, it was instead pointed out to me by my admirably brave boyfriend.
What a frustrating pleasure, to have met my match in a man who has my measure.
It's not that I've an awful lot to atone for. Well, I do, but that's beside the point. I've plenty of cause for contrition that I don't necessarily admit to. Breakages, and the like. Hearts, wind and crockery. But I dole out my sorries like sweeties for the stupidest of reasons. I do it because I want some in return. The slightest of slights sees me falling over myself, fawning over whoever has caused me to smart. It doesn't have to be much. I'm a sensitive soul. I go out on a limb for folk, sometimes all four limbs. Three points of contact? Pah. I'm poised for a fall. An idiot optimist, I am constantly dismayed when people don't always respond in kind. People are kind, I find, just not always thoughtful.
And so I apologise to them. My ego convinces me that I am leading by example, that this is a surefire way to elicit some reciprocal remorse. It's not a tactic that has served me well. I'm an insistent idiot optimist, you see, so inevitably (for peace and pity's sake) my apology will be accepted.
Which is not what I wanted at all.
So passive am I in my apologetic aggression that I work myself into right snots. For one who prides herself on her emotional intelligence, it's a spectacularly stupid habit. I can't even claim to have been clever enough to have self-diagnosed this dickheadery, it was instead pointed out to me by my admirably brave boyfriend.
What a frustrating pleasure, to have met my match in a man who has my measure.
