Review: The Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists

Some pun on the dodo's name - Polly - and the film being a "cracker"

Yet another film in which Hugh Grant plays a scurrilous cad with questionable morals and floppy hair. But lo, they stuck a beard on him, and I loved it.

Andrew did too. He wants a manpanzee.

Mr. Bobo.

Review: Hunger Games

Where Craig Doyle's headed

This film made me feel better about the idea of a future filled with Other People's Children.

When the Fianna Fáil-Sinn Féin coalition is inevitably voted in at the next general election, they'll replace the Junior Cert. with some version of this and have it broadcast live on TV3, with Craig Doyle as host. And we'll all tweet along.

Review: La piel que habito

Juan Gatti's beautiful teaser poster

I do like horror films that don't have jumpy bits and that have you rooting for the monster from start to finish.

Assuming you can figure out who the monster is.

Review: The Inbetweeners Movie

Lydia Rose Bewley. I couldn't find any pictures of her from the film itself.

I spent the whole film anxiously watching to see how they'd treat Jane. The Fat Girl. Because I'm a Fat Girl. She's pretty. I'm pretty. They even put her in one of my dresses.

Jay called her a fat pig from outer space and ran away when she took her clothes off to go skinnydipping. Later, she gave him a blow-job in the toilet. He'd grown as a person! Yay! Happy ending!

I'd rather he'd given her head, to be honest.

They did manage to squeeze a fat joke in about eating out though, fair play to them. In the post-credits sequence a door opened to catch them in the act while they're in bed having sex feeding each other slices of pizza. Dirty pigs! LOL! It reminded me of the post-credits sequence in Bridesmaids where Megan talks about the open flaps on her big bear sandwich.

Big fat fucking sigh.

Review: Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Charlton Heston Not Included

Apes eatin' biscuits, ridin' horses and beatin' up polis. Quality entertainment, if you're into that sort of thing.

Review: Harry Potter and the [whatever the last one's called]

in-joke

I spent the first 127 minutes biting my nails. Which is just as well, because I spent the last 3 minutes wishing I still had nails so that I could claw my eyes out.

Kinda like Lord of the Rings, then.

Review: Senna

When we were kids, my dad went back to college at night and got a PC to type up his thesis on. My brother and I were allowed to use it to play games on, though for a long time we only had one. It was a Formula 1 racing game and we always played it together, even though it was designed for a single player. Whoever sat on the left would man the brakes (the spacebar) and navigate using the small course map at the top left of the screen, while the one on the right used the arrow keys to steer. I still remember Eoghan making a screeching sound one day as he leaned (somewhat unnecessarily) into a corner, so excited to be in pole position that he'd forgotten the word for "brake".

I'd forgotten about the dim evenings we'd spend in front of the computer, up in the converted eaves of our attic in Palmerstown, so engrossed in the game that we could swear we smelled petrol and red-hot tyres on tarmac. Until last week, when we watched Senna.

Review: Bridesmaids

Like Mean Girls, it was pink and funny. But is either film feminist?

Discuss.

Review: Cedar Rapids

Office parties we've all been to.

Sad and funny, with occasional inappropriate touching.

Review: Hanna

Nice poster. Stupid film.

"I thought it was better than Source Code" said Andrew. "Oh yeah?" I said "Which bits, exactly?"

I suppose it was better. Ish. Hanna looks great, all indie typography and Eric Bana in a beard. There's a lovely scene where he emerges from the sea in a pair of grotty longjohns and you can nearly make out the outline of his willy. The film's Chemical Bros. soundtrack was very exciting for the fighty bits and it made me want to take drugs and punch something that wouldn't skin my knuckles. But that's about the height of it. Hanna's all fur coat and no knickers.

Review: Source Code

I couldn't find any interesting images from the film to illustrate this post with. So here's The Best Picture On The Internet instead. You're welcome! I like this picture so much that I have it framed on my living room wall.

Cheap comparisons abound! Throw The Jacket, Groundhog Day and Sliding Doors into a blender, have Gyllenhaal reprise some of his Jarhead stuff and have Monaghan look like the vacant and confused lovechild of Sandra Bullock and white Michael Jackson, add a spoonful of saccharine, blitz, sieve and pour. The result? Unappetising gloop, equal parts patriotic and dystopian. To be consumed with very salty popcorn.

Review: Snap

I found this film upsetting for all the wrong reasons. The set-up suggested a sad and squalid story told straight, but it came across instead as a sordid one manipulated for its shock value, stylistically as clever as Stephen's portrait with mobile phones in the poster.

Review: Animal Kingdom

The Cody family, making the Sopranos look like the Waltons.

A very good film about a very bad moustache and the very worst of people.

Review: Biutiful

Bardem - beautiful even in a mullet and tracksuit.

"What did you think of it?" asked the woman behind me in the queue for the toilet. I sniffed and wiped a tear from my cheek, mortified. "Yeah" she said "I know".

Review: N.E.DS

From little acorns, Edward Scissorhands grows.

This Is England meets Hannibal Rising. In a good way.

Review: Black Swan

Natalie Portman, looking well.

A cautionary tale for prima donnas and pushy mammies, with split nails, pulled quicks and stabby bits.

Review: The King's Speech

Here's a picture of Geoffrey Rush. I think he's much sexier than Colin Firth. Nobody else seems to.

Kinda like Mrs. Brown. Or any other film in which commoner befriends a Royal and teaches them to be human. Or humble. Or something.

Review: Of Gods and Men (Des hommes et des dieux)

Brother Christian - doesn't he look a bit like that fella from Thunderbirds?

A film full of tender and devastating moments. When Brother Luc poured wine and pressed play on the tape deck, the cinema stirred to the sound of Tchaikovsky's Swan Lake and I snuffled up a sad, snotty tear.

Review: Love And Other Drugs

OMFG! Love Accidentally!

A predictable film about two arrogant people who have sex and accidentally fall in love. I liked it more than I meant to.

Review: The Town

Not to be confused with the 1990 classic Nuns on the Run.

Everybody's very good in this, even Ben Affleck. Colm says he likes Jeremy Renner. Says he's very "compact". I'm not really sure what that means, but I like that Jon Hamm fella. He looks like he'd do filthy bad things to you. Lovely, filthy, bad things. It's a good job Mad Men is so dull. Otherwise I'd never leave the house.

Andrew says it's like Good Will Hunting with guns. He wanted me to put that in the post, even though I thought it was more like Gone Baby Gone only they robbed banks, not babies. So there.