Last week with the bank holiday weekend looming, the self appointed chair of our social committee (it's a committee of one, but she's vocal, and persuasive) decided that some non-alcoholic group activity would be in order. Noble ambitions, she has. So we found ourselves driving through the drizzle yesterday morning to Enniscorthy for our first experience of Quad Attack.
We arrived in a mucky farmyard, and made for the reception (a muck encrusted shed off to one side of what was apparently a building site). The place was full of plukey faced young lads, braying at one another and checking their goolies every 10 seconds to see if they've grown. We handed over wads of cash to the two chainsmoking 14 year old girls manning the counter and then donned some wet and muck splattered overalls and mismatched welly boots. Two of our party were running late, so one of the girls offered to bring us over to "the Shed". Off we trudged, expecting some kind of health and safety lecture. But no! "The Shed" was in fact the Crazy Corral, a kind of giant play-pen for impatient adults, to keep em out of the rain and the reception area while they wait to go out on the quad bikes. So we had to strip off all the shitey wet gear again, and have some fun.
And we were going to have some fun, if our hostess had anything to do with it. "Buckin' Bronco first" she said, between Johnny Blue wheezes. The 4 of us humiliated ourselves for a round or two, first by being unable to get up on the fucking thing, and then by being laughably unable to stay on once someone hoisted our arses up. At one stage, 2 of us wandered off to have a go on the bouncy castle, but we were quickly corralled back and told "yeere not finished on the Bronco yet..." Fuck. It was mortifying. My brother had the winning time of 9 seconds, and I think that's just because he got his leg caught as he was falling off.
On then to the bungee burst, which in fairness was hilarious. Though I would say that, because I won. I never win at anything, so it appears I may have found my calling. We had a wrestle then in the sumo suits, which smelled as if some sweaty bastard had died in them and just been gradually absorbed by the flab. Part of the challenge is to get back to your feet once you've been flattened by the other fatso, and the stench inside the suit is enough to give you the superhuman strength to heft your arse off the floor, for fear you'll vomit on yourself inside it.
Anyway, the 14 year old decided we were responsible enough to be left unsupervised on the bouncy castle, so off she fucked for another cigarette while we had a brief lie down to recover from all the fun before hitting the quads. Wet scabby gear back on, and off we tottled out to the field where the quads were lined up and a few of the plukey faced lads were riding around like lunatics (occasionally one handedly while they checked that they still had penises). Turns out they were to be our "instructors". "Instruction amounted to a gruffly pointed "brake, accelerator" and we were on our way. I'd never ridden a quad before, but it was how I'd imagine a four wheel drive motorbike with stabilisers would be to ride. I had a ball. Over the next 45 minutes we got more and more confident, pulled skids going around corners, ploughed through foot-deep puddles, raced one another on the flat and loved every minute of it. Well, we all did bar one... Some poor girlfriend who was roped in and seemed less than enthusiastic had been trailing along from the get-go hit a spot of bother when we got to the crazy off-roady bit at the end. She ended up flipping the bike and having it land on her, Ozzy style. The goolies were over straight away, pulled the bike off her, righted it and checked that she was still alive. Then they had a fag while they waited for one of the 14 year old girls to arrive on scene. She knelt by the poor spazz on the ground and had a fag, while they waited for some other guy in a jeep (one of their dads?) to come to the rescue. Cue much relieved smoking, and then we were off on our mucky way again.
No idea how badly hurt the girlfriend was, I hope she was alright. The episode wouldn't inspire confidence, I grant you, but we were all in agreement leaving there. Next time we've a Saturday and 40 clams to spare, we're off again...
Chatting to my nana about my plans for the weekend, I mentioned the quadding. Expecting a lecture on health and safety, I was surprised when she nodded approvingly. "It's great sure that you're getting some cycling practice in before Belarus!"
We arrived in a mucky farmyard, and made for the reception (a muck encrusted shed off to one side of what was apparently a building site). The place was full of plukey faced young lads, braying at one another and checking their goolies every 10 seconds to see if they've grown. We handed over wads of cash to the two chainsmoking 14 year old girls manning the counter and then donned some wet and muck splattered overalls and mismatched welly boots. Two of our party were running late, so one of the girls offered to bring us over to "the Shed". Off we trudged, expecting some kind of health and safety lecture. But no! "The Shed" was in fact the Crazy Corral, a kind of giant play-pen for impatient adults, to keep em out of the rain and the reception area while they wait to go out on the quad bikes. So we had to strip off all the shitey wet gear again, and have some fun.
And we were going to have some fun, if our hostess had anything to do with it. "Buckin' Bronco first" she said, between Johnny Blue wheezes. The 4 of us humiliated ourselves for a round or two, first by being unable to get up on the fucking thing, and then by being laughably unable to stay on once someone hoisted our arses up. At one stage, 2 of us wandered off to have a go on the bouncy castle, but we were quickly corralled back and told "yeere not finished on the Bronco yet..." Fuck. It was mortifying. My brother had the winning time of 9 seconds, and I think that's just because he got his leg caught as he was falling off.
On then to the bungee burst, which in fairness was hilarious. Though I would say that, because I won. I never win at anything, so it appears I may have found my calling. We had a wrestle then in the sumo suits, which smelled as if some sweaty bastard had died in them and just been gradually absorbed by the flab. Part of the challenge is to get back to your feet once you've been flattened by the other fatso, and the stench inside the suit is enough to give you the superhuman strength to heft your arse off the floor, for fear you'll vomit on yourself inside it.
Anyway, the 14 year old decided we were responsible enough to be left unsupervised on the bouncy castle, so off she fucked for another cigarette while we had a brief lie down to recover from all the fun before hitting the quads. Wet scabby gear back on, and off we tottled out to the field where the quads were lined up and a few of the plukey faced lads were riding around like lunatics (occasionally one handedly while they checked that they still had penises). Turns out they were to be our "instructors". "Instruction amounted to a gruffly pointed "brake, accelerator" and we were on our way. I'd never ridden a quad before, but it was how I'd imagine a four wheel drive motorbike with stabilisers would be to ride. I had a ball. Over the next 45 minutes we got more and more confident, pulled skids going around corners, ploughed through foot-deep puddles, raced one another on the flat and loved every minute of it. Well, we all did bar one... Some poor girlfriend who was roped in and seemed less than enthusiastic had been trailing along from the get-go hit a spot of bother when we got to the crazy off-roady bit at the end. She ended up flipping the bike and having it land on her, Ozzy style. The goolies were over straight away, pulled the bike off her, righted it and checked that she was still alive. Then they had a fag while they waited for one of the 14 year old girls to arrive on scene. She knelt by the poor spazz on the ground and had a fag, while they waited for some other guy in a jeep (one of their dads?) to come to the rescue. Cue much relieved smoking, and then we were off on our mucky way again.
No idea how badly hurt the girlfriend was, I hope she was alright. The episode wouldn't inspire confidence, I grant you, but we were all in agreement leaving there. Next time we've a Saturday and 40 clams to spare, we're off again...
Chatting to my nana about my plans for the weekend, I mentioned the quadding. Expecting a lecture on health and safety, I was surprised when she nodded approvingly. "It's great sure that you're getting some cycling practice in before Belarus!"
