Finally! A Cure for the Common Cold!

Bleugh. I hate being sick.

Saturday's sniffles turned into a headcold, so I've been moping around like a phlegmy Oscar the Grouch for the last few days, trying to shake it. I have to admit, I'm a bit of a man when it comes to colds; I immediately suspect pneumonia/pleurisy/tuberculosis/something lethal. So I acted accordingly and high hoed it to my friendly pharmacist to find a cure. And find it I did! I feel about a gazillion times better today than I did yesterday, and I managed not only to make it in to work, but to have a productive and enjoyable day. The trick? It's a medicinal regime, tough on the digestive and nervous systems but ruthlessly effective:

• Exputex Cough Syrup

To be swigged straight from the bottle, as required if wakeful during the night or surreptitiously from your handbag if coughing explosively at work during the day.

• Benylin Day & Night Capsules

Three during the workday, and a big blue one if you fancy a bit of a nap.

• Anadin Extra Strength Capsules

One with each of the Benylin tablets, for very effective pain relief.

• Diet Coke

To counteract the soporific effects of the Exputex syrup (I'm not used to that much caffeine). Except at night, or if you fancy a bit of a nap. Obviously.

• Strepsils Medicated Throat Lozenges

Just because they're nice, really. Though mixed with the Exputex and the Coke they tend to leave your tongue fuzzy as well as numb.

I'm not recommending this, by the way. I'm sure it's done irreparable damage to my liver and my mental state. And there's always the possibility that had I slept as much as I did yesterday without so much as a Lemsip, I'd be feeling just as much improvement as I am today. Personally, I wasn't willing to take the risk.