Bleach And Crayons

I woke in the wee smalls of last night to the clatter of a worrying crash, followed by those tinkly smashy breaky sounds that I find so pleasing in anyone's flat but mine. Fuck, I thought, I wonder...

*snore*

I'd been dreaming, for once, rather than crashing in a cower through another nightmare. I was at home, cleaning the flat as part of an audition to become a cleaning lady. A knock on the door announced a visit from the planets, who had come to advise me on my love life. There were three of them, beach ball sized and orange hued, and they followed me on my chores, floating at head height and amiably dispensing wisdom.

I can't remember a thing they told me.

Beart Gan Leigheas...

...Foighne Is Fearr Dó.

Pisces

Are you expecting major transformations to happen overnight? It's time to face the fact that it's going to take longer than you thought. Whether you are looking for changes in yourself or in someone else, you have to be more patient and realistic about how quickly things can happen. Let things unfold the way they will, and the results will be better.

What bollocks. Patience is most certainly not one of my virtues and I generally feel like punching anyone who reminds me of the fact on the nose (but to do so would both hurt my knuckles and prove their point). Vegan ascetic Aurelius Clemens Prudentius laid down a list of seven Heavenly Virtues to oppose Pope Gregory The Great's seven deadlies and I am moderately pleased to see that I excel at Liberality and Kindness and am at least at improver's level when it comes to Diligence and Humility, though I'll admit I have some way to go towards Chastity and Temperance.

But Patience...

*sigh*

I have tried to cultivate it, to grow some, as it were. But gardening holds no appeal for me; it takes too fucking long. I did once sow a very successful vegetable patch, but managed it only because I wasn't living there at the time (it was in my parents' garden) so I forgot about it from one month's end to the next. Had I been home to gawk at it every evening I'd likely have kicked my infant pumpkins in impatient annoyance. There are few hobbies that I find so incomprehensibly frustrating - I find it bizarre that folk take such pleasure and comfort in something where you have so little control over the end result .

As a child I would press flowers from our garden, anxious to turn them into beautiful, paper-thin works of art. I was so very anxious to turn them into beautiful, paper-thin works of art that I would check them on a daily basis, which meant that I ended up with a mangled and sticky mess breeding mold in the pages of my books instead. As an adult I have found one or two which were spared my attentions, forgotten under a pile of encyclopedias. They are exquisite, and a vivid illustration of the adage that good things come to those who wait.

I fucking hate waiting to see how things will pan out.

The Stars Smile Upon Me

Finally, my genius is recognised by the monkey who writes the daily horoscopes! Unfortunately I read this just now instead of this morning and so I've been hiding my light under a bushel all day.

Pisces:
You need to let the world see the real you today. In order to do so, step out and give everyone a good, long look. Show off both your hotness and your intellect. In situations where you might have usually played dumb in an effort not to look like a know-it-all, today you should not be afraid to own up to the fact that most of the time (if not all of the time), you are the smartest person in the room. There is no point in trying to avoid intimidating people who aren't as smart as you.

So I missed my chance to dazzle the world today. I need to be on the ball on Friday though, I've got a date and a very good impression to make.

Looking To The Stars

From this morning's Metro:

Romantic, funny, kind and generous - how could anyone possibly resist you? Your charm is legendary, but one person in particular thinks they hold a more special place in your heart than they do. Good luck with that.

What kind of a fucking horoscope is that? It's like something I'd write when drunk.

A hard rain's a gonna fall

Pisces
As unpleasant as it might sound to you right now, you would be wise to reevaluate your lifestyle. Both the time you have been spending so freely and the money you have been spending so freely are in danger of running out sooner than you might think, so the time has arrived for some strict conservation on your part. Challenge yourself to see how little money you can spend in a day and how quickly you can run through your errands. You just may surprise yourself.

Fuck that.